moniquethegirl

Breakthrough

2006-08-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

Because I'd always been a simple girl, a girl who did things just for herself, I hadn't realised how cliched I'd become. I hadn't realised all that I got caught up in with the Internet, with this blogging thing, how removed from everything I was being and could be and how far from my original self I'd gone.

So then, after I have been thinking about this for some time now, I am stopping here for now, which is hard. There is so much I wish to share and talk about but for now, I have to go back to just being Monique in a quiet, anonymous way.

I find myself wanting to write less and less about what really matters to me or who I am because I'm not really sure who is reading this and what they are interpreting. And this has affected me, makes me want to be isolated, makes me crave reality in a place of pretending and surfaceness. It's a lil bit of a struggle with trying to live as I know how in a cyberworld that doesn't agree.

I can't see myself coming back any time soon, especially with so much going on this year, but perhaps the fall or winter I'll come back slowly. We'll see. I do know that I do love to write, to share and connect which is why I began all this in the first place. I'll most likely not be able to stay away forever. Just give me a little time. I'll always keep this little place...

I would offer anyone else who is reading this, whether you understand or not, to take a break even for a week from blogs, from reality TV, from TV, from recording your life or thinking about what you should or should not do.

I would offer everyone to take a step back and look at where they are and if you're living really how you want or if you're trying to live a life you think you ought to or you're trapped in a life you don't want or can't afford or shouldn't have. Don't compare to anyone, don't buy into anyone's ideas, and please, don't feel the need to spill everything out.

Ask yourself what you're doing this for and if it's to look good or be validated or what. Be honest. I've always done things because I've enjoyed them and wanted to be useful but at some point, I moved away from that and am not sure what this is all about.

Thanks Everyone. Whether you've sent me kind notes, hate mail or just thought of me and visited the site - you've been so lovely. Really.

Over-disclosure

2006-08-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that one reason people may not blog is for fear of releasing "too much information" about one's self. Who, after all, wants to know, or cares whether you are lost in LA, think your neigbour is ugly, or, who cares what you ate for breakfast when you were on your business trip down south. On the other hand, if you keep the purposes of blogs in perspective, then occasional musings of this sort should not bother anyone.

Specifically, blogging is the electronic equivalent of standing around the watercooler, sitting at the cafe, or visiting at the cafeteria lounge. Blogging is a way to engage in dialogue with those beyond your physical vicinity, in short - engaging the invisible conversation. It is informal chit-chat about current events and observations and ephemera, it is commiseration and perhaps a form of therapy, it is public discussion and interaction, it is a free-flowing, informal medium to exchange thoughts, float intellectual balloons, and so forth. In the very best cases - ideas are seeded, information is distributed, public interaction is facilitated, relationships are built, sustained. In the worst cases - time is wasted.

So, all that said, there is of course such a thing as “too much information,” and maybe that is why , besides being up-to-my-neck busy with work and school and my social diary, I have refrained from writing about the things I have done in the past few weeks, and have not shared with you pictures, ideas, feelings, etcetra and so on. Sometimes, I feel like I am over-disclosing and although I have disclosed plenty already and so far on this blog, I am not quite sure I want to continue to do that. At least, not so much, about my personal life.

Summer

2006-07-24T23:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I drove on the freeway into a big patch of clouds over the sky with an ambient light from the sunset glowing purple. When I was a child I used to look into the huge sky and get scared and half wonder how lost I would be up there. I was scared of that much sky. Especially, the night before, where the sky was flashing with heat lightening where it flashes the rooftops and makes the hair on your arms stand up. I hate dry lightening, it's creepy and it makes for fire season. You can feel the electricity in the air but it won't rain, and my neighbor came out and when I was infront, she asked me if she thought we were going to have an earthquake.

"I can't tell", I said. "You're freaking me out" I wanted to say, but of course I didn't.

I like the way summer makes you feel slower and less hurried, it's a good time to remember things without giving them too much weight. You can't stand the touch of a sheet on your skin because it's so hot, and in that same way you never feel quite so lonely in the summertime, don't need a leg touching yours, don't feel terrible alone if it's just you and crickets and traffic.

The heat is killing me....just walking to my bathroom makes me sweat. Should I be grateful that I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn and go to work in the air conditioned office where I'll work 50 hours or so this week? Should I be grateful that I'll spend the evening doing kickboxing in an air conditioned splendor of the gym? And for how heavenly AC'd the Barnes & Nobles bookstore is for me to study?

Maybe I should. OK, I'm going to MAKE myself be grateful.

Besides, how much does that thermometer look like a certain piece of male anatomy? For my ability to see that and laugh, through the haze of studying, heat exhaustion and fatigue...

For that, YES, yes I am grateful.

That's HOT.

The Girl behind Monique

2006-07-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

I usually get these cheesy email quizs from friends and I didn't think they really served any purpose. Usually, I delete them. Today I received a wonderful email from my sister-in-law and she wrote some 'Survival Tips' for a bad day and as part of her list of tips she wrote: "When you get cheesy surveys and funny emails...don't delete them. Keep them there marked unread and look at them when you need a few minutes in the day to laugh. I usually do these surveys or read the corny jokes after someone has annoyed me and I need an uplift. You need to laugh!!! Laugh at your boss if you have to... It will make the day go by quicker." So here it goes, I'll do the cheesy internet quiz to restrain myself from choking someone when they annoy me.

The Shoes You Wore Today: Sandals from Charles David

Your Perfect Pizza: Thin crust, NY style, lots of cheese...sausage, mushroom, pepperoni

Goal To Achieve This Year: Finding a moment of happiness in every day that goes by

Your Life Goal: To be the vamp that forever revamps

Your Most Overused Word or Phrase on IM: I don't really IM, but it would probably be “Dude” or "LOL"

Thoughts First Waking Up: How can I get myself into trouble today?

Your Best Physical Feature: My face, but the body’s not hard on the eyes either.

Your Dress Style: Weapons of Mass Seduction: luscious stilettos and dresses. “Sexy” really needs to make a comeback in this town..."Put your sexy on."

Your Favorite Flower: White roses, Calla & Casablanca Lillies, Daffodils, Wild Flowers, Torch Ginger

Your Bedtime: is my time to read or reflect. Sometimes both.

Your Most Cherished Memory: Ask me when I’m 90 years old

Your Biggest Regret: Not spending more time with loved ones that have since passed

Your Weakness: A beautiful smile, wicked sense of humor, playful puppies, and toddlers.

Your Fears: Not being able to fit into my new bikini, not being smart enough (to my satisfaction). Actually it’s a toss up between the two.

You Love: to try it, because I just might like it…

You Loathe: willful stagnation. Waterfalls and rivers are much more interesting than ponds, non?

Your Passion: Should always evolve

Your Pet Peeve: When people point out a characteristic that cannot be changed. ie: He/she is short/tall. He/She's got a lisp. He/She has alot of freckles.

Your Biggest Asset: My patience

Your Biggest Flaw: My Biggest Asset..among other things

Pepsi or Coke: Coke Zero

McDonalds or Burger King: In n’ Out, baby…uh the burger

Single or Group Dates: Intimate conversation over dinner

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Green tea

Chocolate or Vanilla Ice Cream: Liquid Nitrogen Ice Cream (Molecular gastronomy is so excellent.)

Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee Bean, Vanilla Frappe

Do you Smoke: Only 100% Columbian Snow.

Do you Swear: Yes. I didn't do it. I have an alibi.

Do you Sing: Like William Hung from American Idol

Have You Been in Love: Yes

Do You Want to Go to College: Yes...I am doing it now.

Do You Want to Get Married: Only if there's a Boris Kodjoe look-a-like as the groom

Do You Believe in Yourself: Yes. Remember: Sedit qui timuit ne non succederet.

Do You Think You are Attractive: No. Other people think I am gorgeous. :-)

Are You a Health Freak: Due to the shallowness of the opposite sex, yes.

Do You Get Along with Your Parents: The best I can...

Do you Like Thunderstorms: Sometimes- good excuse to snuggle

Do You Play an Instrument: No

In the Past Month Have You Drank Alcohol: Yes

In the Past Month Have You Smoked: Salmon? Turkey? Weed?

In the Past Month Have You Been on Drugs: No but I should be.

In the Past Month Have You Gone to a Mall: Yes

In the Past Month Have You Eaten a Box of Oreos: No thanks.

In the Past Month Have You Eaten Sushi: Yes

In the Past Month Have You Been on Stage: Life is everyone's stage

In the Past Month Have You Gone Skinny Dipping: In the bath tub last night...

In the Past Month Have You Stolen Anything: Just a few hearts

Ever been Drunk: :-)

Ever been called a Tease: What do you think moniquethegirl is all about?

Ever Taken a Beating: Yes.

Ever Shoplifted: In junior high

How Do You Want to Die: Knowing that everyone around me will celebrate my life rather than mourn the loss.

What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up: A child again

What Country Would You Most Like to Visit: All of Them

In a Guy...
Favorite Eye Color: Light
Favorite Hair Color: Very Dark
Short or Long Hair: To the nape of neck, max.
Height: 5’ 10” - 6' 8"
Weight: 165
Best Clothing Style: Tasteful
Number of Piercings: 0
Number of Tattoos: 0

Love to love you, baby

2006-06-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

People always tell me that I need to love myself first, and then life falls into place, insert platitude here, and once you finally love yourself and think you're GREAT and you are HAPPY with yourself and LOVE yourself, I guess you marry Prince Charming and finally buy a house and a riding lawn mower and nobody farts. I really don't know! Because I do not tell people this. To me it seems kind of logical that yes, of course you need to be okay with yourself and all that, and bring the emotional baggage down from a matching 32-piece Louis Vuitton set to a more manageable backpack or emotional carry-on. Plus a purse and maybe a little drama wallet. But for the most part I just sort of assumed everyone all knew this ... work hard, try to be a decent human being, change what you can, accept what you can't, that sort of thing.

So I guess I do feel secretly guilty or less love-myself-ish that from time to time, I'll admit it, I am someone who needs to see myself reflected in another person's eyes.

Can you feel (beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, successful, kind, worthy, anything) completely on your own?

If there is no one to watch you put on lipstick, brush your hair, touch your face, watch you across the table ... you don't wither and die. You're fine. But oh! God. That amazing, lovely feeling of having someone look at you that way, it makes you feel sexy to the bottoms of your toes, you walk taller, something changes, people sense it in you, you feel desired. It's not quite the same to look in the mirror at yourself and say, "Not too shabby!" or whatever your internal pep-talk sounds like. There's just nothing I can tell myself in a mirror that comes close to that moment, sitting at the table and you look up from the salad plate, or reach for a glass of wine and his eyes are on you and you smile, and you feel lovely all over.

It's a delicious thing. I guess maybe I never want to reach a place where I don't need it, even if that makes me a simpering old romantic fool.

Etiquette time: Vino

2006-06-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

There’s something ridiculous about a person who doesn’t know how to drink wine making off like he does. Just forget what all those pourers in Napa told you, and take it from me; I’m not American and I’ve been drinking wine since I was one.

The Swish & The Stem
The point is that you’re supposed to be comfortable drinking wine, as if it’s just any other beverage, like water. The point is not to act as if it’s some kind of special beverage that you need to drink in a special glass and hold in a special way. Hence, I do not believe it in holding-by-stem rule, or the ridiculous amount of swishing going on. The idea behind both practices is that swishing helps both to aerate the wine and to allow you to smell the wine, and holding a glass by its stem reduces heat transfer. You hold red wine by the glass, and white wine by the stem - it’s proper ettiquette and makes sense whereby white wine shouldn’t suffer from the heat. Just don’t make a big deal about it, either way.

The Cork
You’ve got to have a highly developed nose to be able to tell if a wine has been corked by sniffing the cork itself. Why? Because you have to be able to smell beyond the corkiness of the cork to tell if the wine has been corked. If you don’t have a highly refined nose, refrain from making an ass of yourself by sniffing the cork.

Sending it Back
However, if you smell it, taste it and if you think it’s corked (broad term for an undesirable smell or taste especially spoilage that can only be detected after bottling, aging and opening the wine), and you think it’s corked then you have no choice but to send it back; If it smells like a wet dog or resembles moldy newspaper, well then, send it back. It’s only in America we have no idea what corked means. Americans think it means the wine tastes bad. This is not always the case.

If Excel was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram

2006-05-31T11:16:00.000-07:00

I have this weird thing with graphs, charts, patterns. I'm fascinated by them. I try to find patterns in a lot of things. That is probably why I like Sudoko.

Anyway, here are a few working life tools:

Little Known Excel Shortcuts

Shortcut # 1
Highlight area (i.e. A1:C5)
Type a value
Hit Ctrl + Enter
PURPOSE: Quickly, efficiently auto fill area with given value without having copy/ paste.
FURTHER EXPLANATION:
For instance, let's say you want to fill an entire worksheet with zeros. This would allow you to do so.

Shortcut # 2
It's a two-fer this time...
Shift + F2 + Ctrl + o
PURPOSE: Uh, commenting, duh.
FURTHER EXPLANATION:
The first shortcut inserts comments, the second selects all cells with comments (for easy deletion, etc.

Shortcut # 3
View > Toolbars > Text to Speech or Tools > Speech > Show Text Speech Toolbar
PURPOSE: Make Excel your bitch.
FURTHER EXPLANATION: Speaks contents of cells.

Shortcut # 4
Alt + E + S + L
PURPOSE: Paste as link.
FURTHER EXPLANATION: Pastes cells as link. For instance, if you copy A1, then go to A2 and hit AESL, =A1 will appear.

The day is always greener in someone else's yard, the world is always meaner when your heart is hard

2006-05-28T00:46:00.000-07:00

Today it was 85 degrees in Los Angeles, and sunny and perfect and I don't tell you this to torture you, I tell you this because I think Nature feels bad for what I am feeling inside and wants to shine that warm light. Because I am maudlin and drippy about this Memorial Day Weekend.

I will tell you a little secret. It may come as a surprise, as it did to me, with it being about a year, I was just a little teeny tiny depressed. And to torture myself, I looked at old pictures, listened to the Emancipation along with Vivian Green drinking and drowing in nostalgia...because this is what we do when we want to go INSANE. And so here I am tonight, sitting here, pictures all laid out all over in front of me and spread out all around me.

I was going down. Waaay down.

Being alone is a full time job.

Lonely isn't a bad word, it just feels like something we shouldn't be, something that we should instead seek to remedy THIS VERY MINUTE IF NOT SOONER, as if it were easy to fix, like a flat tire or a sinus headache.

So... it's out there now. The sad underbelly of this Memorial Day Weekend. This too shall pass. I'll survive. I will not get scabies. (Because if I got scabies I guarantee you it would knock loneliness out of top spot for things to be sad about. Or bedbugs. Or any bugs, really. I hate them all. Bugs!)

Anyway. Big deal. I'm lonely. Feels better to admit it. Feels so good, in fact, that I'd like to stay at home all day and be by myself and watch My Best Friend's Wedding and wallow. Because... this is the only thing on TV.

I am not good with dealing with heartache. In fact, the more I try to deal with it, I realize I am not good with it at all. Maybe that is part of the process. Bottle it up inside to take it away and set you free. Maybe this reminds me that I have a heart. That I am human. That I have the ability to feel?

Nothing shakes you to the core, makes you feel more bereft of self-esteem than having the one who you hoped would be there for you leave you, not be there anymore. There's no good way to phrase it, there's no cushion to make it softer. You can blame the other person, or the situation, but deep inside you're shaken and you break, or you wonder why you haven't broken, disintigrated, given up and gotten behind the wheel and driven all night to nowhere. Even smoking and lifting your martini glass becomes exhausting. You pull way inside. You become quiet. You become alone in all these ways.

It would have been easy enough to take another road, smile brightly, focus on work, send random text messages and emails and phone calls of distant nothings. You can brush your hair and slide on a pair of high heels and sit on a barstool at The Wilshire while your friends look pretty and you accept free drinks from strangers.

Instead, you can stay home.

It's just the difference in your bones. The way we live through an end of a thing. For me: nights with out sleeping, not closing my eyes sinking into a bed feeling safe or warm or tethered to this world and writing this all down. Inside everything in me was ugly.

Confidence has always been tied to my successes, so a failure of such surely must mean I am worthless? Unloved. Unwanted. Ugly. (Nothing makes you feel uglier than goodbye.) So you do what you have to, work these things out, wrap your mind around them. It takes its slow sweet time coming around.

But it comes around, eventually.

"He smiled and said hello and you said hi back, that's good progress!"

"Yeah. It is? Before...I would have avoided eyes. Looking down. But what a waste, right? Months of looking down? What a waste of time."

And it is a waste of time. Unless... unless you count all the time you laid on that bed, alone, and thought about even the smallest detail, remembered the day you met, the day at _______, and every single day in between. You were in there, somewhere. No one tells you the day you fall a little head over heels that you need to hang on to you, keep a little piece just for yourself.

Eventually you sift through it and find a place to rest, it's not the place you may have envisioned for yourself when you were nineteen, or twenty-three, but it's all yours, and that's something.

And one day you look up, instead of looking down, and someone smiles at you.

Success is not always about achievement. Sometimes it's about endurance.

Beyond hello, I'm still not ready, still locked mostly inside, but I know my mojo is there inside me, too. The things I blocked out are seeping in through the cracks of my finely constructed life raft. My future is an unwritten book: the way it feels to have someone whisper in your ear, or the night you stand at the sink in your sock feet and you're washing a dish when he hugs you from behind so unexpected, or the warm perfectly content feeling you get when he takes your hand in his and holds it, or the very first time you kiss (always the best).

It's in there.
Somewhere.

Be an apple pie

2006-05-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

I love that people care about me so much I get a lot of different advice. My most recent one for handling challenging situations and when faced with difficult circumstances:

You've got to be an apple pie. You can stay soft and sweet on the inside, but you have to develop a thicker outer crust.

You can still be you --- just stronger.

TOE

2006-05-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

I pretty much have a TOE.
Toe means, Theory Of Everything.
Duh, stupid.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to watch Da Vinci Code on it's opening weekend, so when you see those box office dollars unveiled, Marc has so eagerly pre-bought and contributed to the glory of Ron Howard. We are going to be one of the fine folks munching on popcorn and milk duds watching good ole Hanks Seek The Truth. I think there's just a little too much icing on this cake, but I'll stay open-minded to the movie albeit the national phenomenon on a book I never read.

Since this whole movie is a controversy that precipitated with God, I am always fascinated by people's opinions of the beginning of the Universe.

The most popular theory is God came first and created everything. Let's posit here for a second.

I know, I know too heavy of a topic for a Friday. You want to TGIF and head to happy hour at Nirvana .

Let me regress, if God came first, how did God get here?

IF God was always here, then time has no beginning. And if time had no beginning, then God is unnecessary because the rest of the universe could have just as easily always been here. I know someone will leave a comment with babble about God being “beyond time” or something similarly incomprehensible. That won’t help.

The Big Bang isn't an answer because something had to cause it. But thank you Mr. Hawking, I have read your Brief History of Time and Blackholes and Baby Universes and am still on a perpectual cycle of unanswered questions and a lost little laygirl. Because something had to cause the cause etc. And that never answers the question of what came first.

My best guess is that time is a closed loop, and we are destined to exactly repeat our existence to infinity. I’m sure some physicist has come up with the same theory.

What do you think?

(Person reading my blog is thinking they should out-click, turn off computer and run to nearest bar for a shot.)

Hold that thought, I'm almost done with my ranting.

Either its a loop or we came from nothing. The arguments for each just break down into babble really, where you analyze the language of the question and argue over assumptions, which doesn't bring us closer. This sort of question needs physics to be answered. The reason we don't know what happened before the big bang is because the equations of Einsteins general Thoery of Relativity don't work in black holes due to all the infinities in the math. This is because Relativity is slightly flawed, something to do with it not taking into account the random nature of the universe.

When some Ultra Mega Genius unifies Relativity with Quantum physics, we will have the answer and it will be possible to know what made the big bang, just as we figured out the big bang had happened from Relativity, what you need is a TOE.

The real question is why do I care about this? If a loud voice came from the sky and announced holy shit you got it right would it change my life in any way? Well, except for that warm and fuzzy feeling about being right. (Because you know me, I love to be right!)

If I got the answer would it make me happy or pissed off?

Isn't it better not to know so you can play with theories and faith?

I think it would be a real BUZZKILL if I knew the ultimate answers to the ultimate mysteries of the world. Personally I think the biggest mystery in our world is why do we hunt and kill each other? Why do we retain our most primal brain when we haven't used it for a very long time? Is there some reason the amygdala remains?

Dear God,

On the off chance you are going to read this, please feel free to leave me a comment, poke me in my sleep, shine a light in the shower, or have me stub my TOE on the side couch as I walk out the door because I have SWAG (Scientific Wild Answered Guesses).

Kind regards,
You know who, who's going to grab a Corona now

A thought on courage

2006-05-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

I took a day off from work yesterday to rest. I was thinking about some success I have had at work along with some bumps along the way. I also thought about some improvements I could make and the direction that I was trying to take. A sobering question, what if at this moment I am living up to my full potential?

When it comes to most things that I approach in life, I am very competitive. I love to win. I love that unexplainable feeling of satisfaction in achievement, of being challenged and rising to it. I love knowing that I CAN do it if I try; because it's not what I CAN do, it's what I WILL do. When I was younger, I was a very sore loser. I would get upset if I didn't get the highest test grade. I would be mad at myself if I didn't excel playing in sports. I always wanted to beat the boys and to do better than them, but I never wanted to outshine the girls. I realize that I am a lot like that still now.

Being around other women, I don't like to rock that poverbial boat. I don't like to make anyone feel "less than" or not "apart of". I try not to outshine or take all the credit or get all the attention. It's hard for me to accept compliments sometimes and I am now better at accepting them graciously. I think woman can be catty and jealous and I would rather not fight that retarded battle. "You go on with your badass self, hunny." I've lived with a lot of envy in my life and I still don't really understand why. It aint easy being me. I've just learned to be comfortable in my skin and to really let my light shine in it's unique way. That is why I love that Marianne Williamson poem so much here on my blog. It really sums it up completely.

It's the opposite in dealing with men. I don't care if I outshine and kick ass. It doesn't even cross my mind to be "less than". At work, in sports, in a stupid footbal pool, what ever it is against men, I have a different game face. Don't get me wrong, I love men. I couldn't imagine my life with out a lot of great men in it and I wouldn't be who I am with out these men, like my father. I just think that a lot of men in my life have had more of the audacity to call me out on shit and challenge me. More men have challenged me than woman sofar, I suppose, although my mother has been a woman to challenge me in many ways.

I prefer to have that protective personality and produce my own penetrating strength but believe it or not, I sometimes really fear success. Winning and success are two completely different things. I think my fear of success is with good reason. There's a lot at stake. Success brings change. Change can be uncomfortable. I think by attempting to achieve one challenge at a time, I have been able to redefine what is "success" to me. It's all about the experience within the experiment, because life is full of trials and errors. Everybody is in search of who they really are. Not who you were, because that person is not there anymore.

Something better and improved is possible.

The Invitation

2006-05-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty, every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999

Girly Golf

2006-05-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

Diaco: Why'd you all of a sudden take up golf again?

Me: Because I can enjoy it with out a partner.

Just kidding. I'm going for another round of lessons this weekend, and before I go, I think I better practice up on what I learned before I embarrass myself in front of Mac. That's right. The weather's nice. The sun is out. What better way to spend your time, release your stress and be out-doorsy, but on the golf course.

You can be a tomboy, act like a dude, but still look cute on the golf course. My sister-in-law, Dorothy sent me these websites to help me tighten up my look on the golf course as I am trying to tighten up my game. I love the headcovers and tennis covers from Ame & Lulu, the golf carts from Keri are a little too bit girly for me but if you want to look really cute check it out, and Swing Chick you can get "skorts", skirts with shorts underneath which are a bit too sexy for me and keep in mind many golf courses don't allow women to wear shorts, skirts, or "skorts" that are too too short (rule of thumb:length should be pass you fingertips extended to your side).

Ame & Lulu

Keri Golf

Swing Chick

Questions that make you go, "Hmmm..."

2006-05-05T22:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Girlfriends,

I have some important questions for you. Think carefully as you answer...

Have you ever had a man you were interested in, maybe even someone you really cared about, all of a sudden become “distant” and withdrawn...and you just couldn’t figure out why?
Can you remember a time when you began to develop strong feelings for a man and knew you wanted to be with him and only him...but he seemed ambivalent and “wishy-washy” about the situation...and it drove you NUTS?
Have you ever dated a man who was AFRAID to commit to you...and even HE didn’t really know why?
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship with a man who took you for granted...or just didn’t value you as a person?
Are you apprehensive about giving yourself emotionally and physically to a man because you fear that HE won’t do the same? Or worse...that he’ll only do it partially and then just leave...for what seems like no reason at all?

It's a fact: Nearly all women have had the experience of feeling like they’ve finally found something “real” with a man...and sharing themselves both emotionally AND physically...only to have him suddenly PULL AWAY...like a "mirage".

And what’s worse...when this happens, there often seems to be no explanation...and NO GOOD REASON AT ALL.

When someone we care about rejects our efforts to become closer to them, it’s not a fun feeling. But an even worse feeling than that is NOT KNOWING WHY. Of course, the men in these situations are rarely any help. They will usually try to explain themselves by saying dumb things like “It's not you, it's me.” Or another predictable male “excuse” such as, “I'm just not ready for a serious relationship.” Or the "Are we being realistic?"

I’ve been with that guy who withdraws...the kind who spontaneously gets “scared” when a relationship gets close and intimate...and the kind of guy that can make a real, close, loving, lasting relationship seem IMPOSSIBLE.

But let me let you in on my "hmmm...AHAH moments"...the first of which you might already know

1. the "excuses", and all of the rest of the common "man excuses" are a BUNCH OF B.S.

2. deep down, men ARE ready for a relationship and would love to find that special woman, someone with whom they could finally let their guard down and share true love.

I’ve known more than a few “players”...and while some men will date several women at once, it’s only because they haven’t met THE ONE they are really looking for.

In fact, I’ve seen every one of these guys bring their “playing” to a screeching halt when they met someone they were REALLY into. I’m sure you’ve seen this happen with guys you know...

The reality is that most men don't pull away from a woman because they aren't “ready for a relationship”, or because they “got nervous” or “wanted to take things slow”... although that’s all they could seem to understand about themselves and communicate at the time.

Hmm...

So why do men pull away from certain women...but fall HEAD OVER HEELS for others?

When a man pulls away from a woman, it is NOT because men are “screwed up"...

It’s not because he has doubts about being in a relationship. It’s because he has doubts about being in a serious relationship with THAT PARTICULAR WOMAN.

Something is missing with that woman that makes him think that she is NOT the one for him to settle down with...and that he can do better...

It’s also almost NEVER because a man isn’t attracted to you physically (if that was the case, he wouldn’t have gotten that close to you in the first place.) It also doesn’t necessarily mean that he wasn’t at least somewhat attracted to you EMOTIONALLY. What it DOES mean is that there wasn’t ENOUGH ATTRACTION there to lead him to feel that YOU were the one for him. So was there anything you could have done about it?

Hmmm...

It's May

2006-05-03T21:15:00.000-07:00

It's May. It's the play-off's in the NBA. It's five months into 2006. It's this month that I have started every relationship I have had with a boy where I uttered those words, "He's my boyfriend". Boyfriend 1, met him in May. Boyfriend 2, met him in May. Boyfriend 3, met him in May. Now what?

It's May.

So I've learned that my own company is good company, I laugh at my own jokes, I lie in bed alone with wine lips and a good book and life is good.

It's May.

And so this is what I found. In the beginning, after a break up, the relationship ends, you are so sad, your heart feels so heavy, you can't even get out of bed and you think you can't make it through the day. Everything is just stripped and you feel so empty and raw and bare of everything real. It's the hurt that hits your guts, the same guts that told you, "It's real" and now that pain is so real.

And you live each day alone, because nobody understands what is so private and intimate.

And then your heart begins to strengthen a little bit, and you reach out a little bit, and slowly. My heart is still strengthening a little bit, each day, a little bit. Where you can spend that night alone and sleep a whole night through.

So you make it through the other side, and you think even though he's shacking it with someone new, he could be shacking it with someone new, he's looking to shack it up with someone new...you know it's not you. You know you're doing just fine and you make a life for yourself. You are a good employee, a good friend, a not-so-good cook but you try.

You let go.

And people say, "You'll meet someone when you least expect it."

And you think, "I'm OK, even if I don't meet anyone."

Then you meet someone, a gentleman, and you remember all over again how good it feels to have someone place a hand on the small of your back as you walk to the table, how nice it is to be kissed like he means it, how much you missed having dinners for two instead of dinners for one. He touches your arm, it's a small thing.

You wake up, you know that lonely is one place, you've been there, and together is a whole different set of cards. You like this hand you've been dealt. You get angry when it up and disappears because lonely: not your chosen destination.

You want someone to see life with you, hug you while you wash a plate, cup your cheek with his bare hand. And once you have it again -- even if it's just for a fleeting minute -- you realize how much you need it.

People tell you to make your life full so you won't be longing for another, so you'll be complete without anyone at all. (People often say this from the vantage point of completion.) We know the truth, that it's all a walk we take, each night, each day, to connect with another human being, to feel affection and recognition, to have love-sex-friendship-distress-resolution.

What's the point of being so whole and complete that you never need anyone to show up at your doorstep at ten o'clock at night, with mini Manilo cookies, or a kiss, or tulips or a "how are you"?

It isn't about being alone. There's no weakness in it. It's a great strength to say you need a little affection. It's not a bad thing to share it.

Is it?

BFF doesn't always work out, but it's ok

2006-05-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

Again,I'm on my couch typing. Marc says I have found a new spot in the apartment and it's the couch. I left the office early today to come home, get into my pj's, pop open a Corona and sit in front of the TV. I never thought, in my right mind, this would be something that would actually make me very happy. I can't tell you how much this makes me happy, right now.

When you're dating and the relationship isn't working out you break up. It's known, it's accepted, it's OK. But when you make friends with someone - especially for women - you're supposed to be best friends forever and never lose touch no matter what - even if the relationship isn't working out.

For it was last year that I realised I had made a string of friends that were the opposite of what a good friend is; people who would drain my energy and never replenish it. People with whom my bond was generally of just complaining about things. I had one friend who, being overweight, always complained about her weight while eating taco chips and candy bars. After awhile it got old to just hear the complaining and not see any doing - I couldn't support her efforts because there was none. So the conversations became more about bitching about bad stuff and sucking the good energy out. I had another friend whose insecurity left her to be a controlling know-it-all. If I sniffled she'd rattle off seventeen ways to holistically or medically treat it. I became afraid to blink or say anything because I'd have to listen to her go on and on about something. She was always in therapy or breaking down and the conversations we'd have once in awhile were always draining - especially since I couldn't relate. There was no laughing, no inspiration, no moving forward. I had other friends who were trying to be something; wanting to be famous, trying to pose, be flashy. Their awkwardness was hard to be around and so I was tense a lot of the time. I would dread the voicemails and think of ways to avoid them. These friendships were about stress and creative drainage.

There came a point last year where I realised that I was in a slew of toxic relationships that I had to get out of. Despite efforts to support and help people move forward they didn't; they were where they were and for me, it wasn't good. My energy was low after talking to them, it made me afraid to rock out when they were sitting feeling pitiful, I held my tongue because there's only so many times you can say "you're not that fat as you watch her eat 2400 calories in one sitting. There's being a friend who supports someone supporting themselves and then there's being a friend who is an enabler at the expense of themselves. And the latter isn't ever the right choice.

When I decided that I could no longer be in the friendship with these people, I broke up with them. They took it harder than if I was their actual partner because from their point of view, friends don't leave. They're supposed to love you no matter what. But I'm not their mother, or support group or whatever else, I've come to understand. I'm supposed to be a friend.

I believe that people come into your life to teach you a lesson and show you your choices of who to be. I don't think it was a coincidence that the same group of people came into my life at once. I realised I don't want to sit around complaining or being angry at or just fakely cheering each other on without actually having action or results. I realised that feeling good at the end of dinner or being inspired by friends is important - even if it's watching them work their ass out of a bad place because they're just that determined. The toxic friends showed me, when I was ready to look, what I didn't want to be. And right after that I started to meet a lot of people who showed me who I did want to be.

People form relationships based on like-minded thinking and over time, that can change. Some people progress and some don't - it's why boyfriends and girlfriends break up. But I think that it is OK with friends to do the same - you meet someone for a reason and if that reason no longer exists down the road, let it go. Don't hold on to what's not working so you can start to grasp what will.

Excerpt from a wonderful article by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements

2006-04-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

Many people go to work every day just thinking of payday, and the money they will get from the work they are doing. They can hardly wait for Friday or Saturday, whatever day they receive their money and can take time off. They are working for the reward, and as a result they resist work. They try to avoid the action and it becomes more difficult, and they don't do their best.

They work so hard all week long, suffering the work, suffering the action, not because they like to, but because they feel they have to. They have to work because they have to pay the rent, because they have to support their family. They have all that frustration, and then when they do receive their money they are unhappy. They have two days to rest, to do what they want to do, and what do they do? They try to escape. They get drunk because they don't like themselves; they don't like their life. There are many ways that we hurt ourselves when we don't like who we are.

If you take action because you have to, then there is no way you are going to do your best. Then it is better not to do it. No, you do your best because doing your best all the time makes you so happy. When you are doing your best just for the pleasure of doing it, you are taking action because you enjoy the action.

Action is about living fully. Inaction is the way that we deny life. Inaction is sitting in front of the television every day for years because you are afraid to be alive and to take the risk of expressing what you are. Expressing what you are is taking action. You can have many great ideas in your head, but what makes the difference is the action. Without action upon an idea, there will be no manifestation, no results and no reward.

Sent to me from a friend

2006-04-24T00:36:00.000-07:00

As You Travel Through Life
By Author Unknown

As you travel through life there are always those times
When decisions just have to be made,
When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce
And the rain seems to soak your parade.

There are some situations where all you can do
Is simply let go and move on,
Gather your courage and choose a direction
That carries you toward a new dawn.

So pack up your troubles and take a step forward
The process of change can be tough,
But think of all the excitement ahead
There might be adventures you never imagined
Just waiting around the next bend,
And wishes and dreams just about to come true
In ways you can't yet comprehend!

Perhaps you'll find friendships that spring from new things
As you challenge your status quo,
And learn there are so many options in life,
Perhaps you'll go places you've never expected
And see things that you've never seen,
Or travel to fabulous, far away worlds
and wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you'll find warmth and affection and caring
And somebody special who's there
To help you stay cantered and listen with interest
To stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you'll find comfort in knowing you're friends
Are supportive of all that you do,
And believe that whatever decisions you make,
They'll be the right choices for you.

So keep putting one foot infront of the other,
and taking your life day by day...
There's a brighter tomorrow just down the road
DON'T LOOK BACK! YOU'RE NOT GOING THAT WAY!

What about your friends

2006-04-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why certain times in your life you feel more alone, more isolated than others? Do you ever wonder if it's just you, or if other people are feeling it too? How about when you have someone close to you, dear to you, like a friend, a boyfriend, your family and you feel like they don't understand you or can't really relate to you at this point in your life. At one point they did, or could have, but now that you are changing and growing yourself as a person, you are growing apart. It's almost like a period in one's life where you re-define yourself. In order to do that, one needs the silence, the isolation. At least I do. It's not permanent recluse, just some temporary bout of reflections; momentary drifts that take you from one level to another.

I feel like there are some friendships in my life that I am outgrowing and growing apart from. I think if you are choosing to lead your life in a certain way, become a certain person, it is important to associate with like-minded people. It's not a bad thing. I think it actually all happens naturally. It could be sad and painful because you hold on to that past and that history, but it happens for a reason and somehow you are able to deal with, adjust to it and grow with it. It's not a bad thing to want to be around people like yourself, or surrounded by the type of "self" you want to be. I'm finally starting to realize my feelings about a lot of things. I'm finally starting to be able to reach inside my gut and stick up for what I feel. This means a lot to me, because before I always cared more about what others felt and never quite thought about what I really felt deep down inside.

I was thinking tonight on my drive home about friendships and how there are different types of friends you have in your life. If you took an inventory on the friends that you had in your life, what would you find? What kind of people would they be? Who are they exactly? Who are they to you and who are you to them? If you thought deeply about this, and honestly, what would you come up with?

Always With You

2006-04-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

The best experience you ever had is still part of you. The most beautiful day you have ever enjoyed still lives within your heart.

All the love you've ever known is yours in this very moment. Though it arose from specific conditions, its value now goes far beyond them and continues long after those conditions have faded.

What's even better is that you can take that value and expand on it, at any time, in any place. The love, the beauty, the experiences that you treasure can serve as the basis for even more richness.

People, places, events and things pass in and out of your life. What you're left with is whatever you choose to keep.

And what you choose to keep, what you truly value and appreciate and treasure, sets the stage for what will be. The more you choose to see the good and positive aspects of each experience, the more fulfilling life will grow.

You never have to struggle to regain what you think is lost. The best is always with you, and can grow into much, much more.

-- Ralph Marston

Introvert with extrovert skills

2006-04-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

Rarely does a passage of text resonate with how I am as a person as the opening paragraph of Jonathan Rauch's Caring For Your Introvert did:

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

Into-me-see

2006-04-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

What is this elusive prize?

Intimacy.

If you say the word intimacy slowly, you hear into-me-see.

I was thinking tonight how people develop intimacy in a relationship, what intimacy really is and what it really means. I believe in it's truest sense intimacy means warmth, bondness and closeness. It occurs when two people allow themselves to be extremely vulnerable to each other. It comes about when both people decide not to hide behind any masquerade, but instead to allow the other person to see into the reality of who and what they are. That, of course, is a frightening prospect.

Most of us wear various “masks” in different aspects of our lives so we can feel accepted and loveable. We may wear one mask to work and yet another in each of our personal relationships. We choose a mask that will provide the greatest likelihood of being accepted in each specific environment. We all do it, whether we realize it or not.

Removing all masks to let another see who we really are , "warts and all”, means risking everything in that relationship. Risking everything. If the other person doesn’t accept us when they encounter our undisguised selves, we feel absolute rejection.

So how does one grow past that fear and decide to reveal our true selves? I suppose, you do it in stages. Start by sharing facts that are nonthreatening; facts that you feel won’t be reacted to negatively or judged. Sharing innocuous facts of our lives (e.g. “I was born in Cambodia,”) you register every reaction of the person to whom you share. Any lack of interest or hint of displeasure on their part causes you to stop the process. You're certainly not going to reveal potentially threatening facts (e.g. “When I was a kid I was arressted,”) if you note any disinterest or rejection as you share.

On the other hand, as we register interest and acceptance we tend to reveal more threatening facts. We can become so trusting of the seemingly unconditional acceptance of the other person that we tell him or her things about ourselves we’ve never told anyone.

And that's just the first step.

The more frightening one: is sharing of feelings.

After all, some of the facts of our lives were things that occurred without our intention or control or understanding. Therefore, the facts of our lives tell only what happened; they don’t always reveal information about who we are or what we are like.

Feelings do that. When a person can share feelings, he or she reveals self.

Just as with facts, you begin by sharing feelings that you believe to be nonthreatening (e.g. “I like being an American.”) And just as when you share facts, you take note of any disinterest or rejection. If the other person pays attention and accepts your feelings as valid, you gradually move from innocuous feelings to more threatening ones (e.g. “I’m sometimes afraid of letting my guard down.”)

When two people can share openly with each other the facts and feelings of their lives—especially the facts or feelings that they fear will bring rejection—that to me is developing intimacy. The more you share of your realities—historically and emotionally—and continue to accept each other, the deeper your intimacy.

There are many couples that live in the same house, but many lack emotional intimacy. While some people who chat up in an internet chat room or have long distance relationships can develop a deep, intense intimacy. What is the difference here?

Because of the relative anonymity, you can self-reveal very quickly. Because at the first sign of rejection you can end the "tentative" relationship and move to another chat room, hang up the phone and end that long distance relationship. In other words, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much to be rejected when you aren’t risking much in the relationship. Two people living in different parts of the world can easily end the contact with little sense of loss. Therefore, you tend to share a great deal about yourself in a much more rapid fashion than if you would in a face-to-face situation. Don't you agree? Go online chatting. Have a long distance relationship. It can develop very intense, very quickly.

What can I learn from this phenomenon? Looking for intimacy, so often you can be confused about what it really is that you are after that you find yourself capable of making nearly any kind of destructive decision...that misguided longing for intimacy masquerades into many things. Some think they crave more sex. Others more fame. More money. More power. Even more cars. Alcohol to replace the dullness or pain of their lives.

Simply this, intimacy comes from taking the risk to share with another and finding that the risk was justified. We all crave it, but most of us will never have it, and I am not being a pessimist here. Why? Because too few realize what the craving is actually for. Some people know that something is missing from their lives but usually can’t quite put their fingers on what it is they’re lacking. That’s why so many people feel lonely, or empty, or unfulfilled.

And lastly, I used to think, love is a feeling you feel when you feel you’re feeling a feeling you never felt before. Sounds quite profound, doesn't it? I've felt feelings I have never felt before and I guarantee...it wasn't love. The problem with the word love is that we use it to apply to so many emotions or situations that we sometimes don’t know what it means. So what is it? What is this thing called love?

Garrett Yamasaki

2006-03-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

I should have publicized this earlier, but it was late notice. My very talented and blessed friend Garrett Yamasaki shows his beautiful and simplistic work at the Farmani Gallery this past weekend. If you weren't able to attend, please click on the link and see his work. You can order his work or set up an appointment to see it personally. My favorite is Breeze and Cherry Blossom 2. My birthday will be in July so I am going to add this to my wishlist!

When life gives you lemons, go get Vodka

2006-02-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

I am so bummed out about my ticket.
Someone, pleeeeeeease, give me a hug.

When life gives me lemons, I make lemonade.

And you know what?

I run over to my corner 7-Eleven and I buy Vodka.

I then make lemonade and Vodka.

I can even get fancy and shake it up a little bit and make a lemonade martooni.

And when life gives me more lemons, I make more lemonade.

And YOU KNOW WHAT LIFE??

BRING ON THE LEMONS!!!!!!!!!

Next round will be on me, Life.

::THANKS TO THE COMEDY SHOW OF LIFE, THIS IS A GREAT PHILOSOPHY::

Happy Valentine's Day, in today's LA Times...I used to collect these as a kid

2006-02-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

The charming and frustrating infatuation of Sally with Linus (her Sweet Babboo)...

2006-02-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

It's Friday-- Real women bring home the cheese and the wine and the chocolate...

2006-02-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, it's Friday, and speaking of Friday it's February and it's going to be Valentine's Day. The day I suspect everyone else on this planet is getting lucky and laid and flowers and Tiffany's, and me, except me, well I am going to host a dinner at my apartment with the new roommate and a few friends. Lucky, me. As nice as it is to spend the evening with your special someone, it can be a total ball to be with your close circle of friends. I am already working on my grocery list and trying to figure out what I want to cook, besides trying to figure out what kind of Prosecco to buy and do I want to bake brownies and cut them into heart shape or skip that and do something like chocolate covered strawberries. It all remains the same, I am going to tackle this unleashed cooking craze with "reckless abandonment"...much like how I wish I could with my love life.

I skated through the holidays weathered, sad and bruised. I fell and then got back up. I wish I could get back up quicker like when I was a child. Fall and then right away get back up and keep going. Keep innocently playing. I think the holidays amplify emptiness. But I can feel this way even on a rainy night driving home from work and it's dark and the rain has kept everyone inside, behind closed windows and locked doors, and you wonder if all the curtains are drawn because behind them there is a hand on the soft place above the hip, an arm outstretched, someone holding onto someone, something, and you're alone in the car. Everyone gets held except you.

I was thinking about my writing lately, about what I have been publishing. About what some may think that is what I am thinking or feeling at that exact moment I publish it onto the site, and my standard disclaimer is that just like many things in life, "Thoughts, opinions, emotions, life circumstances, people are subject to change without notice." Period. I am unpredictable like that. Life is unpredictable like that.

This past week I haven't really been able to write. Been able to truly write a lot of things that are going on in my head and in my heart or in my world. And trust me, there has been so much "shit". One, because I have been extremely busy with work (and no it's not my knee jerk response), and two, adjusting to a new roommate and three, shit happens where you just can't really sit at the computer and divulged interestingly or candidly enough what you are thinking or feeling. So instead I posted pictures of the hike and a little bit observation about a book cover and even a picture of "Mr. It's-90%-Done", but nothing really truly solid feelings. Maybe because I don't really know where to begin. Not like it's a crazy mess or something in this head, heart and world. Because there is order in this chaos. Nothing is ALL EVERYTHING. Meaning, nothing is ALL ONE of something, like black, white, or even grey or crazy or sane or happy or sad.

A friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend and I saw her out the other evening and couldn't help but share in her pain. I could barely say to her, "I'm sorry" because I hated hearing that myself when I was feeling bad and on the exterior looking normal and nice but inside dieing and feeling like someone socked my stomach really, really hard and I wasn't sure if I wanted to barf or gasp for air. I hated hearing the, "What happened? Why didn't it work out? Will you ever see him again?" I hated these questions because I do not really have the answers for them, so I resented these questions. I think too many people generalize things, and especially a relationship, a break-up is not something to be generalized but is a very, very personal matter between the two people involved. Two months ago I was in a relationship and it ended. I think when you care about someone, are used to spending a lot of time and energy with someone and that comfort and love ends it changes you. When you are not in a relationship, you are more teachable. I've learned a few simple things in the past months and I think it has a lot to do with REALLY being TRUTHFUL TO YOURSELF, loving yourself, listening to YOUR SELF needs and knowing what is good for yourself and what you really want for yourself. *You have to ask yourself a lot of questions, A LOT OF QUESTIONS and then hopefully, you can come out with the answers. (*When I write you, I am really meaning me).

A quick draft list of what I want and expect out of a relationship and a partner, if and when I decide to be in one (because I am good at listing things down, like groceries, to-do, and so on and I don't plan on growing old and living a life alone with a bonsai tree and furry socks). What creates the biggest problem in a relationship (I think) is not what happens once you're in it, it's whether it conforms to what you expected to happen. Repeat that after me, and re-read that sentence again.

Well, it's the truth that men fall in love with their eyes and woman fall in love with their ears, and beauty does hook the eye, but physical attraction won't sustain a relationship, what will is your personality: the spirit, the compatibility, the complementary nature between each other...
Achieving a sense of belonging and emotional nurture
Don't need someone to "prop me up in life", like being my sugar daddy, or sugar coat anything and give me the saccharin answer, but I do need and want your love and companionship
and if we're together, we're in a partnership, I love you, care about you and want to be with you, "I'm not your mother" and I don't want you to be "my father" either. It's a partnership.
Being truthful and honest with our needs, with our feelings, even when it hurts
and when it hurts, sticking through it together and working it out
and working it out, even if it takes some time
because they say that 9 out of 10 businesses fail in the first year because of two reasons-- underestimating the commitment it takes and the capital it required and with a relationship, it's the same thing, you're merging two lives, there's going to be a constant pain of adjustment no matter how suited you are
because IF it's worth it (because when to throw in the towel is different for everyone and I wouldn't want to forget about the dropdead deal breakers like abuse, drugs and things of that nature) but IF it's worth it, work it. Great loves are hard to find (unless you're looking somewhere I don't know of?), and in today's world too many people give up too easily not fighting tooth and nail for love, coming into a relationship, a marriage with unrealistic expectations.
I don't want my soulmate, the 100% perfect person...my gawd, no way. Get real. There's no such thing. And if you think you are "soulmates", wonderful for you, but I don't want that. I want someone who meet's my 80/20 rule. If we agree and want 80% of the same things, vision in life, share the same common goals in life, the big piece of the core pie: how we see our career together/individually (division of labor), having children, raising children, family in-laws, finances, religion etc. then, the other 20%, the other 20% of growing personally, well then, we can work on that together and grow together and learn and love each other together.
Unfortunately, despite the 20% rule, most people give up too easily and I don't want to give up. I wouldn't want someone to give up on me or leave me. Especially if WE promised, "til death do us part."
So come get sick with me (seriously, I won't even consider myself "with" someone, until I see you, or you see me miserable and sick with the flu...how will you or I be?), be healthy with me, high thread count egyptian sheets or no thread count sheets, doesn't matter to me...
don't be an "experience" with me but BUILD a relationship with me. Because those are ultimately the two types of people that come into your life: the ones that you just want to experience or you experienced or the one that you build and grow with love..
but that all depends what *you want...because right now, I don't mind the experiencing. I don't mind so much the falling, the crushing, the being with the "5 Guys Every Girl Should Date" that MSN publicizes etc, because really, I am not ready. So. Not. Ready. To. Date. I. Think. (rechargeable batteries are the greatest inventions...HI!!! Family! Bro, uhhm, yeeeahhh, the walkman is working great!)

I am not ready to build anything long term, or serious or committed...

Not. Yet.

And maybe, maybe, I am so thankful for the word: maybe.

because what will be, will be.

It just may be.

Cheesy internet Tuesday

2006-01-31T06:46:00.000-08:00

So... it's a cheesy internet quiz. Don't hate.

TEN random things you might not know about me.
1: I am a klutz.
2: OK. You probably already knew that!
3: I swear I will never get married.
4: I secretly hope that's not true.
5: I can’t sing for crap!
6: But I’ll do it anyway, especially in my car. Alone.
7: I hate to brush my hair.
8: I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and wish it wasn’t so dark and quiet and morning came sooner than later.
9: I love “picnics” in bed: books, laptop, etc. all around me.
10: I can get really shy and quiet around people I don’t know. REALLY, it’s true. (You knew that one, I cheated, again).

NINE places I’ve visited
1: Cambodia
2: Thailand
3: Ireland
4: France
5: Italy
6: Mexico
7: Barbados
8: Hawaii
9: Compton…don't be jealous.

EIGHT ways to win my heart
1: Hold my hand
2: Adoration
3: Drive me places. I hate to drive.
4: Forgive me when I mess up.
5: Be honest.
6: Feed me.
7: Be a willing participant in mine and my girlfriend(s) crazy camera lady ways.
8. Stay.

SEVEN things I want to do before I die
1: Let go. LET GO.
2: Hold on to something good.
3: Finish my grandmother’s temple in Cambodia.
4: Have a garden with a bunch of pretty flowers and maybe even a tomato plant.
5: Take my whole family on a vacation somewhere...(think of a place? I'll do it one day)
6: Make out with this really hot guy I saw at the gas station on Wilshire and Barrington 7 months ago. Maybe God will find him for me before I die.
7: Live on a deserted island and “Blue Lagoon” it.

SIX things I’m afraid of
1: Heights
2: Losing my family and my dearest friends.
3: Getting a double chin.
4: Falling madly, deeply, crazy inlove.
5: Never finding the perfect pair of jeans.
6: Suddenly becoming allergic to chocolate or vodka.

FIVE things I don't like
1: Mean people. What is the point? Really? Be nice or shutthefuckup.
2: When my email bounce back.
3: Pantyhose
4: These occupations: Divorce lawyers and parking ticket officers.
5: Underwire bras.

FOUR ways to turn me off
1: Flake. Consistently.
2: Be cheap. Yeah, that’s right.
3: Tell me all the things about me I should change.
4: Have no appreciation for food.

THREE Things I do everyday
1: Daydream
2: Hope for the best
3: Kiss my pillow.

TWO things that make me happy
1: Hugs
2: Unexpected smiles.

ONE thing on my mind right now
1:Can’t believe how fast time flies. It’s already the 31st and the month has gone by...

Now copy and paste this quiz and email me your response. Seriously, I will enjoy reading it and will need something to take my mind off the really, really dry and technical medical device and design conference I am attending this week.

2006-01-28T22:21:00.000-08:00

Last night, after I wrote in my diary, I sat alone in my living room, lighted by only one candle. And I asked myself to be real and truthful and let whatever had to come out, come out.

I wasn’t going to judge it, I wasn’t going to write about it or share it. I’d just have that moment to myself, and let it all be real.

That moment lasted for over an hour. Tears had come down my face, my nose crinkled up, eyes shut and I cringed more than a few times. I think I even swore internally for a good minute or two. My body was tense and unsure.

I’m not sure when the mourning finally set in, but I think this is the first time I really cried. Really allowed myself to cry.

I know that I had to look inside myself and try to figure out what was going on here, because it's my job to reflect on what I see, and if I can't reflect on it myself, then how could I ever change and move forward? Life is like a process. There are some days that I am doing really well with it and some days, not so much. And strangely, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

YOU WANT A SOCIAL LIFE, WITH FRIENDS

2006-01-27T09:07:00.000-08:00

You want a social life, with friends,
A passionate love life as well
To work hard every day. What's true
Is of these three you can have two
And two can pay you dividends
But never may have three

There isn't time enough, my friends --
Though dawn begins, yet mindnight ends --
To find the time to have love, work, and friends.
Michaelangelo had feeling
For Vittoria and Ceiling
But did he go to parties at day's end?

Homer nightly went to banquets
Wrote all day but had no lockets
Bright with pictures of his Girl.
I know one who loves and parties
And has done so since his thirties
But writes hardly anything at all.

Poem by Kenneth Koch

2006-01-27T09:06:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up to bright sunlight piercing through my blinds. I'm thankful for the sun--- it just keeps rising, and never asks for anything in return.

2006-01-23T14:03:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for my health, the extra penny someone left me on the tray in front of the cash register, and spell check.

100 Days: My Grandmother, death is suffering but relieved by the idea that it is universal

2006-01-21T07:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes insight arises at the most unexpected times. Here I am lonely, sad and tired. There’s nothing really wrong with anything, except me. I spend a great amount of my time regurgitating the things that have happened in my life and indulging in endless speculation and analysis. I make myself into such a complicated personality. If I continue to indulge in memories, opinions and views then I will always stay stuck in the world. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes situations in life are just this way and we allow them to be this way. Sometimes they even get worse, but it's not some kind of fatalistic or negative thing-- it's more a patience, being willing to bear with something, allowing it to change naturally. I know this suffering. I understand this suffering. It has been understood.

One of the basic teachings of Buddhism is that existence is suffering. It is not a dismal metaphysical statement, not The Absolute truth, but it is something to reflect upon. What is suffering? Birth is suffering, aging is suffering, sickness is suffering, death is suffering, dissociation from a love is suffering, not to get what one wants is suffering. Suffering is a common bond that we all share. Everybody everywhere suffers. When we talk about our human suffering, it brings out our compassion. But when we talk about our opinions, about what I think and what you think, and what I think is more important than what you think (or vice versa), about politics and religion, then we can get into wars and hurt each other and kill each other. We forget about compassion. We forget that our common bond is suffering, and if we realise it, how we suffer the same way just like each other, we would be incapable of doing those things, like to be cold-hearted and hurtful.

The process of understanding, accepting and admitting suffering is not easily understood and is a great balance of ones' mind and mindfulness; I think it is impossible and not within our humanly desires to always be happy and completely happy, and always be suffering and sad and completely sad. I am not a devout Buddhist, but believe as you are in the art of living, practicing any religion, it is transparent.

Although my grandmother has passed a little over 100 days now, we are now formally celebrating her 100 days death ceremony. As I keystroke this on my computer and stare into my screen I can't help but have my eyes well up. I deeply miss her. I was not prepared or ready for her to leave the world. I deeply miss a lot of things in my life at this moment. I am ok with it. Things as they are, are 'not always so'.

In the Buddhist practice, after 100 days a final prayer ceremony is conducted and it is an important period which has an influence on the form that the rebirth shall take. It is believed that as soon as the death of the body has taken place, the personality goes into a state of trance for four days. During this time my grandma does not know that she is dead. The monks say special verses which are believe to reach her. Traditionally, the family mourns and holds a ceremony with rituals at the home for 3-7 days. It is believed that towards the end of this time my grandma will see a brilliant light. If the radiance of the Clear Light does not terrify her, and she can welcome it, then the person will not be reborn. But most flee from the Light, which then fades. She then becomes conscious that death has occurred. At this time she sees all that she has ever done or thought passing in front of her. While she watches, she feels and wants to have a body but when she realise this is not so, she will long to possess one again. Then comes the state of seeking another birth. If we, the family, ensures proper assistance in the form of prayer and remembrance ceremonies, my grandma is better able to take a favourable rebirth.

I'm not quite sure if I am accurate in my explanation of the passage of reincarnation, but I have no doubt that my grandmother is in a peaceful and restful state. I was there when she passed and there wouldn't have been any other reassuring and better way for me to see her but in that way.

I'm your biggest fan

2006-01-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

I didn't grow up in Los Angeles, I actually grew up in Norwalk. Nobody ever knows where Norwalk is but if I tell them that it's near the Cerritos Auto Square, people automatically know because of the catchy song that comes on the radio about the auto dealership that takes up 1/4 of the city. Norwalk is about half an hour from Los Angeles but it's miles away in terms of the way of life. It's not so pretentious and it's not so fake. It's actually pretty ghetto. People are real.

Since moving out on my own and living in Santa Monica and Los Angeles, I have been exposed to a lot of different things, especially different types of people and much more of the "Hollywood" scene. I remember riding in the car down Hollywood Boulevard with my dad as a little girl and he would tell me, pointing to the people in the streets, "These kids run away from home, from all over America to come and try to make their dream come true in Hollywood." I think he was trying to scare me about running away from home and becoming a bum but I know what he was also saying. Everything looked so glamorous on TV and here was a young girl laying on a Hollywood star with her shopping cart full of everything she owned. I never got it and I still don't get the whole fascination with Hollywood and celebrities.

This comes about because today, as I was working diligently at my desk a co-worker comes up to me and starts to chit chat away and begins to talk about the whole Angelina and Brad Pitt story. At first, I thought he had a skirt on because really what man initiates Hollywood gossip?

Anyway, he goes, "So what do you think about the whole thing Monique?" I really didn't know what to say. I just heard about the whole baby thing from Lbug the other night and thought it was, "...surprising. I didn't think she wanted kids of her own but to adopt the world."

So, then he continued on and said, "Well, it's just really weird you know, and not right if she had something to do with the break-up since all along they have been saying the romance occured after the separation announcement?"

Oh, boy. I couldn't believe my ears. Wasn't there anything about work he needed to talk about? I then replied, "I don't really like to comment on the lives of other people." He smiled and as he got up to leave he said, "You would make a great public relations person."

It's just weird to me how people are so fascinated and adoring of celebrities. I am all about giving respect but not jumping about it and reading about them in every gossip magazine and watching them on shows like E! and Inside Edition. I like to see what they're wearing, or what handbags they are carrying or shoes they are strutting in because I'm a girl and I swoon over pretty things. And in defense of my liking to MTV cribs, because really it's fabulously interesting to see the absurdity in having a 20 room house, 15 cars and a scooter to get from one side of the house to the other. I find that entertaining and they are inviting us into their home. But the gossip, the dating, the drugs and such things about their personal lives like where Brittany left her pregnancy test that I don't really care. And for the record, I have never gotten tongue tied over any Hollywood A-lister or have had a mad obssession or dream of an orgasm with any of them. If Popeye were a real life person then maybe I would jump for joy and that's only because he could beat bad guys up after a can of spinach. I've learned to keep my mouth shut on who I know and who I have met or been around. "Oh, you are sooo dialed in!" Why does that make me cooler? Why does that make me special? Why should it make anyone? Why would you ever want to measure your life against anyone? It's silly and really stupid.

Tonight as I am driving home from the gym and going through the back streets of Beverly Hills to get home, the streets were cornered off and police were everywhere and as I was stopped to get through the barricade I get to see what all the fuss is about.

There was a pre-Golden Globe event at the Beverly Hilton and in another back street beside me was all the limo's coming to pull into the hotel. Limos and town cars with black rolled up windows and on the other side was a horde of people. Screaming. Waving. Crying. Pleading. Not for a specific car, but for any car that looked like someone. They just wanted to be seen by someone, recognised by someone, be acknowledged by someone. And not someone who seriously means anything, but by someone who lives in a make believe world that they fantasise about joining.

And that scene made my heart break. Literally.

Months ago there was a woman visiting my neighbour. She sat outside to talk on her cell phone to her friends back home. "Guess what!" she cried with so much excitement, "You'll never believe who we saw today! URKEL!". If you don't know who Urkel is, when you find out, you will find it sad that character and the person who played him, made this poor woman feel special. It made her whole trip out to Los Angeles worth it.

Another time, I was on the plane coming from New York to Los Angeles and Ana Kournikova was sitting a few seats from me with her stylist. She had no make-up on and frankly, looked really bad and tired and unhappy. After about 45 minutes on the flight, she must have started primping herself for getting off the plane. She must have spent 5 hours getting ready to get off the plane. It was obsurd to see how she "prepared" to get greeted at LAX with the paparazzi. That's just absolutely retarded.

There's a fascination with Hollywood that I just can't accept - I understand it but I just can't accept it. I'm not out to change it- I just won't perpetuate it. People reading Star Magazine and gossiping about people they don't know - not taking two seconds to think about how they'd feel if they had their own life under a microscope or having shit answers about important issues that affect their own life. I don't understand looking up to Hollywood people. Trust me people, they don't have the answers. They have scripts. And managers. And stylists. I think everyone should become rich and famous in their life, maybe then they will realise that doesn't make you happy.

I am so unbelievably over and annoyed about the whole Hollywood obsession. It took me longer to get to my cozy home tonight because of this!

And worse, my company has one of it's biggest event of the year at the Beverly Hilton tomorrow. My colleague wrote a very funny and interesting interpretation of this that made me laugh.
http://pleasetoenjoy.blogspot.com/2006/01/of-golden-globes-and-work.html

Too bad for us, we will have to be there for the aftermath.

Frequently Asked Questions:

2006-01-15T23:41:00.000-08:00

FAQ's:

1) Why do you blog? What is this site meant to be all about?
Simply and selfishly all about me. I find beautiful moments in every day life and like to write about the ordinary and the extraordinary moments. If you care to read it, are interested in it, can relate to it, then read it. If not, then don't. You clicked on my webpage and the guest list does not discriminate. You can even send me hate mail, it doesn't matter to me but you have a choice to stop reading or go further.

When I was younger and still now going into my adult life, I was never really good at expressing my feelings. The best way I knew how was through writing and poetry and drawing and it has helped me to open the door to better communication. Last year, a friend moved to Rome and documented her love story with a boy she met and later married and throughout her journey kept pictures of it online to share with her family and friends from across the globe. It was one centralized location on where people can click and see her life updated in what I say a "12 point font", per se. She shared it with me and I was fascinated with it and started my own when I started to travel. Now, my cousins in Cambodia and even in Paris write me about my blog. It's even improved their english! My family and friends read it as well. I blog because I enjoy it and it is as simple as that.

2) How often do you update?
This answer--- depends on different factors. What's going on, if I have anything benefting to say or pictures to add. It's important to note that I do not live online. A lot might be going on in my life but I don't actually publish it. This is a web page not a documentary; some things I write get published right away, days later or not at all.

3) Why do some post disappear?
I tend to write really late at night and don't really edit and go 100% freeflow and just publish my thoughts as they come. Sometimes, after a good night's sleep or reading it over again the next day I change my mind about what I wrote and remove it for various reasons. It could be it wasn't interesting to me, didn't express what I wanted to or convey what I had in mind. They don't disappear because of what anyone says, thinks or might think. If I cared or thought about what people thought about my blog, there probably wouldn't be much of anything up.

4) How many visitors do you get each day?
I have no idea. I don't advertise my blog. It's word of mouth. Last I check I had 625 people view my profile but that is not accurate. If I wanted to make money blogging I could put Adsense or other links and fancy stuff on here and have a gazillion people but that is not my intent to be famous or rich from my silly website. Also, I don't promote tits & ass if that is what you are looking for on this site.

5) Can we shack up and walk in sunsets together?
This is for the "random" people who click on my webpage and send me email or comments because of my picture or maybe they really do feel that "connection". First off, no. Second, no. I'm not into internet dating or accepting applications. I don't want to dismiss it like a fly but I am just not into that and please don't try. Nice comments are fine and compliments too, but if you send me something that doesn't have anything to do with world peace, current affairs, economics, etc. then don't be surprised if it goes unanswered.

6) How come some comments are not displayed?
Because I have enabled the privacy/ moderation comments. If I don't want to share your comments with family and friends I won't display them. Some things I think should be between myself and the "reader" so it might just say 0 comments. Besides that I welcome any comments, suggestions but usually I get it in the form of email.

7) What camera do you use?
The Sony Cybershot 7.2 megapixels. Most of my pictures on the site were taken with my camera. I take my camera with me everywhere and I adore this little bugger.

8) Is it hard to create a blogger?
It is very simple and anyone can do it. My niece who is 10 years old has one and so does my nephew who is 13. There are plenty of web hosts out there and tools to use, but I choose blogger because it is free and it is simple. All you have to do is sign-up, choose through different templates or create your own. Then just start typing away and playing around with it. Forbes, November 2005 issue "Attack of the Bloggers" talks about how in a few short years it started from a simple way for people to keep an online diary to an ultimate vehicle for just about anything. My brother is a computer geek and people in his industry use it for different reasons in the tech-field. I am not apart of any "blog-mob" and don't care to, so please don't t recruit me for any feminist rights, or defamation, or hyping up some penny stock.

When moonbeams hit your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!

2006-01-07T20:59:00.000-08:00

Some of the clearest thinking we do about relationships occurs while we're not in one. We're humbler, more in touch with our pain, more teachable. Our intelligence is always sharper when informed by our own feelings.

I've been addicted to James Blunt lately, replaying his CD over, and over again. I've been so obsessed with it I gave it to my co-workers to play in their car while sitting in it on the way to lunch. That song, "Goodbye My Lover" is so powerful and emotional. His voice. The melody. The Lyrics. That whole CD is almost allegorical of my life. But then again, I was promoting the rapper The Game in a previous entry.

Maybe at one time or another in every girls life, we live that scene like the one at the end of the movie Gone With the Wind, where Scarlett asks Rhet what's to become of her if he leaves her? In some cases, the man doesn't really care, and in some cases he does, but he still has to leave for whatever reason or for none really known at all. And then that girl feels like Scarlett did, like she had to prove herself, to whomever else she thought might care, that she could make it without him, Rhet. Imagine another scene, the one in which Scarlett says, "I will never go hungry again." Like many pledge, after a break-up, uttering those words with the same strength and anguish, "I will never need a man again." That is a flawed decision.

Obviously, I've just finished watching Gone With the Wind...

The Woman in 7-Eleven

2006-01-06T23:43:00.000-08:00

When I'm reading the paper in the morning, I love drinking my coffee with the Nestle's coffeemate creamer, the kind you refrigerate, and just so you know, I can't stand the powder ones. It just tastes so artificial. Running on empty, I walked over to my corner 7-Eleven this evening and as I scooped up my non-fat hazelnut creamer and stood in line, I noticed this woman:

She was fat, at least 50 pounds overweight. Her hair was bleached blond with dark black roots coming out. Her nails were chipped and the polish was bad. Her clothes looked old and wrinkled and her sneakers were not even tied. She was buying copies of the National Enquirer and Star, a bag of sunflower seeds, a pack of powdered doughnuts, and a huge pack of Oreo cookies.

She looked miserable and I could feel her misery. I stood there and couldn't help but say a little prayer for her. I know I've been bummed out as she was, although I haven't acted out my despair quite the same ways. I've known, as we all have, her desire to escape into a world where she wouldn't have to face the harshness of day's like this one.

I felt for her and her pain.

I know she cares deeply, because we all do. Her body says she doesn't care, her hair says she doesn't care, and her choice of reading material and food says she doesn't care. But she does care. And, perhaps, if she felt she had a choice, she would open up tall and act like a queen or diva or goddess: beautiful, strong and empowered. But I don't think she realizes she has an option. Maybe she thinks that only queens get to be queens. She doesn't know that every woman who is a queen simply knew she could be one and became one.

After paying for my creamer and on my walk home, I thought to myself, if that woman didn't have the best of circumstances, like her education may have been poor, and her family dysfunctional, and her present circumstances somewhere between horrible and catastrophic, she still remains a potential queen.

I hope she realizes her potential. Potential doesn't mean anything until it is realized.

If, by any chance, the woman I saw in 7-Eleven is reading my blog: Dear Beautiful, I hope you are able to let go of the limitations and despair in your life. I hope you realize all you're beauty, your endless abundance to love and to receive love and that you deserve to prosper in all good things. With love, m.

2006-01-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded . It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. -Pema Chodron

Reflections on 2005

2005-12-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

Two thousand and five. This was the year I turned twenty-five, although for most of my life I have always felt older than I am, an old mind trapped in a young body; an old soul they say. I am used to hearing, "You are the oldest ten year-old, fifteen year-old, twenty five year-old and so on, that I have ever met Monique."

I'm still just a girl.

Looking back on this year, I lived a full year. I don't remember ever experiencing so much heartache, so much disappointment, confusion, lessons learned and lessons lived, unforgettable moments, unforgettable people, and my heart touched and my mind expanded. It has been a great year, not the best year, but a great year.

Reflecting on this year makes me think about the person I was before I began on this course of truly rediscovering who I really am.

When and if I talk to who I used to be, I now can tell her what to look out for, what mistakes to avoid, what truths to carry with her and what is truly important in life. If it hadn't been for the experiences that I had I wouldn't have understood the lessons that I have learned now. I truly live a blessed life, with so many beautiful people that surround me and love me and support me. Sometimes, I cannot believe how much love I am surrounded by. Sometimes, I take it for granted.

I learned some very important lessons throughout this year, about what is important, and also about what is meaningless or matterless. I learned that being honest with myself and being honest with the people I care about is the most liberating quality and action I can possess. It unites the human bond, frees the outershell. I learned that you are not alone and if you are, it is okay. I learned to love and to love more. Love is truly the purpose in life. I learned to forgive myself. I have learned to take responsibility for myself and for each other. I understand what it means to be compassionate, to be sincere, to be genuine and to care. It brings a whole new level of understanding of the human connection. I have learned that it is okay to hurt. Tears are natural. Pain is temporary, but you should feel it. I learned that death is a part of life, accept it and know that when people die, relationships don't (I love my grandma). I have learned to accept things as they are, seek for answers as they come and be patient if they don't appear when I wish and hope them to. I have learned to not have self-pity, self-loathe, self-complex...there is only one self and that is self-love. I have learned to listen more and feel deeper. I think I used to be a robot, not really paying attention to the world around me. Now I see what the wind does when it blows a leaf or how the branches move or how beautiful a single flower petal is. There is so much beauty in nature. I have learned that I can make a difference in someone's life by touching them with a smile, a laughter, a hug...by being positive and enriching...by listening.

I have learned to not let go too soon and not to hold on for too long. That could be to a person, to a belief, to a thought. It means to change, to grow. If you hold on, stay still for too long, you lose life. This reminds me of the U2 song, "Stuck in a Moment". There would be days that I would not let go of a thought, an event, and I would let it eat me up inside and immobilize me. I have learned that does me no good. And, when I have those days, I have learned to open up and not hide.

I want to thank my few closes friends, my family (my sister, brother, cousin) a very special man and myself for helping me learn so many great lessons this year. I can't thank you enough. It's almost like, I feel like this stone that was tossed around and because of the experiences I have had (the tossing) I have been polished (the love) by the wind (my loved ones) into this beautiful stone. I feel like this year my soul has been made more beautiful.